What Do Blue-Haired Old Ladies with Oxygen Tanks,

Spinal Tap body doubles, and the very underbelly of the print "media" have in common? They're all found at my grocery store.

   I should have known something was a bit different when I first pulled into the parking lot and saw an entire row of spaces dedicated to handicap parking. But paying no mind at the time, I soon realized what this was all about. No fewer than 5 separate Rascal sightings, 3 oxygen tanks, and about 70 gallons of blue hair dye later, I questioned whether I was in King Seniors rather than King Soopers. Though old people, for the most part, are kind folks, they are very sloooooooow, so I have since shifted my shopping time to 4:30PM when most of this particular brand of patron are lining up for the Early Bird Special at Denny's.

   The second interesting thing I've noticed about this particular store is that at least two of the former members of Spinal Tap are employed here and what's more, they frequently work the same shift. Derek Smalls is an assistant manager and a post-transgender-op David St. Hubbins bags groceries! I have not yet witnessed any spontaneous combustion of checkers or baggers, however, so I am wondering if these folks are the genuine article or perhaps members of a local fan club.

   And finally, something I notice every week on my trip to the grocery store but finally felt I needed to comment on, the despicable tabloid rags that harass your sensibilities each time you approach the checkout stand. This week, a tell-all expose of "what really went down" the night Britney Spears got hauled away to the hospital and had her kids taken away from her. Give me a break. The poor woman has made plenty of mistakes but profiting from them with VERY questionable allegations is pretty much the lowest form of "reporting." These people should be ashamed of themselves and obviously anyone that would piss away a cent of their own money in supporting these rags is pathethic. Get a fucking life.